Today marks my 41st year of life. I say it that way because I didn't actually celebrate this birthday in the traditional sense with a birthday cake and being serenaded with the birthday song. I'm not upset about it this fact, but I do wish I had made plans to go out and do something special. I will say that I celebrated my gratefulness to be alive and in good health. For this, I'm extremely thankful. My birthdays always make me pause to reflect on those who are no longer living. I can't help but feel a slight sense of guilt, but I know that I'm still here for a reason that I don't quite know.
During the past two weeks I have started to become close to someone that I considered to be just a casual friend. Out of respect for him, I will not divulge his name, but I will say that he was a member of two of my favorite heavy metal bands. We have been discussing spirituality and such. This isn't something that I have ever really talked about with another person. I've just never felt very spiritual in any way. Some may look at his views as somewhat crazy, but I have been able to relate to them. He is studying the martial art of Ninjitsu for a few months and he told me that the mental aspects of it had been very beneficial to him and have allowed him to forgive those that had wronged him in one way or another. He also said that he feels better than he ever has in his life. He has been giving me some great advice on how to avoid negative energy in my life and it has slowly begun to help me. I'm more aware of the negativity around me and find myself paying more attention to my thoughts and actions. For example, when I feel something beginning to frustrate me, I close my eyes and let myself relax and not give in to my frustration. I've been trying to be positive and I have noticed that unexpected things have happened. A friend of mine from school who I haven't heard from in about 18 years contacted me and I was thinking about taking another college course online and a few days later, my vocational rehab counselor e-mailed me to inform me that he is going to be retiring and he wanted to know if he should close my case. In my opinion, positive thinking really does work. It has also started me to think about working to leave the hospital and move out into the community despite my fear. With any luck, I will find a way to overcome being scared to follow a big dream of mine